Jokes

GeorgeG · 02-05-2009, 12:44 PM

Anybody have any other than Ford trucks?

riverotter55 · 02-05-2009, 09:17 PM

George you........

that's all I want to say!

fhenn · 02-05-2009, 09:51 PM

Yep some of us own real Trucks

Chrisnan23 · 02-06-2009, 08:21 AM

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in thefamily business.When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sicklyfather died, hedecided he needed a wife with which to share hisfortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautifulwomanhe had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just anordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father willdie, and I'll inherit $65 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men

riverotter55 · 02-07-2009, 12:14 AM

That's all I can say!

seabee · 02-07-2009, 08:52 AM

yup, mine thought the same thing....buuut, i don't have any money....she spent it all

Walt

Cobra909 · 02-08-2009, 10:53 AM

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A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto ... The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.</TD></TR></T></TABLE></TD></TR></T></TABLE>

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store..

(Please scroll down.)

What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
Now get back to your emails.

riverotter55 · 02-09-2009, 12:02 AM

good un!!

markbet · 02-25-2009, 09:24 AM

Walmart Interview

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

Chrisnan23 · 02-25-2009, 09:33 AM

Yup Bubba has always been impressive!

coolbreeze1 · 02-25-2009, 11:35 AM

The only other thing that would have made that joke better is if Bubba was Walmarts new CEO

Coolbreeze1

seabee · 02-26-2009, 12:34 AM

some general thoughts:

To some it's a six pack: to me it's a support group....salvation in a can.

Beer is the reason I know God loves me and wants me to be happy.

I feel sorry for people that don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they will feel all day.

When i read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

God must love stupid people...He made so many of them.

long ago, men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...today it's called golf.

I hate sex in movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled..and that ice ...well it really chilled the mood.

I don't approve of political jokes...too many of them get elected.

Walt

Chrisnan23 · 02-26-2009, 08:48 AM

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.' Edited by: Chrisnan23

fhenn · 02-26-2009, 11:17 AM

Chris If I understand you right, Than Dons mail box was put down because it was not fit??? In that light it all most makes sense

rock1424 · 02-26-2009, 03:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chrisnan23

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

I sure am glad tomorrow is Friday, I really need to eliminate some slow and weak brain cells this weekend.

Cheers to all

maskins · 03-04-2009, 01:18 PM

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Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden

and a

WhiteTrash Bikerare all walking together one day.



They come across a lantern and a Genie

pops out of it.

'I will give eachofyou one

wish, which is three wishes in total',

says the Genie..



The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land

to be forever fertile in <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Canada</st1lace></st1:country-region>

'



POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the

land in <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Canada</st1lace></st1:country-region>

was forever fertile for farming.



Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around <st1:country-region w:st="on">Afghanistan</st1:country-region> , <st1:city w:st="on">Palestine</st1:city> , <st1:country-region w:st="on">Iraq</st1:country-region>

and <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Iran</st1lace></st1:country-region>

so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians

can come into our precious land.'



POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye,

there was a huge wall around those countries.



TheBikersays, 'I am very curious.

Please tell me more about this wall.'



The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high,

5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in

or out;

it's virtually impenetrable.'



TheBiker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer,

lights a cigar,

smiles and says,



'Fill it with water.'

Cobra909 · 03-23-2009, 08:36 AM

A Typical Louisiana Baby

An LSU fan is drinking in a New York bar, when
he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody
in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a
typical Louisiana baby boy weighing 25 pounds ...

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in
at 25 pounds, but the LSU fan just shrugs and replies,
"That's about average back home, folks, like I
said, my boy's a typical Louisiana baby boy.He's
gonna be a LSU football player.'

Congratulations showered him from all around,
amid many exclamations of 'WOW!'
One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The
bartender says,"Say, aren't you the father of that
typical Louisiana baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be
in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers, 'Seventeen
pounds.' The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a
little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!'

The Louisiana father takes a slow swig of his
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the
bartender and proudly says,
'Had him circumcised.'

GO TIGERS!

**Lloyd** · 03-29-2009, 07:46 AM

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk with a youngster, the boss asked "is your Daddy home?"
Yes, whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him? the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice, whispered, "no"
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes" came the answer.
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No"
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
Is there anyone there besides you? The boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what"? asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman" came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,"Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a giggle,
"They're looking for me".

papa2 · 06-12-2009, 07:39 AM

This is for Walt aka SeaBee

The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, 'Get over here ! What's your name ?"
"Paul," the new seaman replied.
"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker. I am to be referred to only as "Chief." Do I make myself clear?"
"Aye, Chief!"
"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name !"
The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is Paul Darling, Chief."
"Ok. Paul, here's what I want you to do ...."

onlyrj · 07-08-2009, 04:06 AM

"Hard work pays off in the long run--- Laziness pays off now."

"Lottery --- A tax on people who are bad at math."

"Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity."

"If this is tourist season --- Why can't we shoot them?"

"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

"Ever stop to think --- And forget to start again?"

"I like you --- But I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."

"Change is inevitable --- Except from a vending machine."

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"Confusion not only reigns --- It pours."

"Madness takes its toll --- Please have exact change."

"I took an IQ test --- The results were negative."

"Hang up and Drive!"

"Faster than a speeding ticket!"

"Forget about world peace. Contemplate using your turn signal."

"It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere."

"Dyslexics of the world --- Untie!!!"

"If at first you do succeed --- Try not to look astonished."

"Help Wanted: Telepath --- You know where to apply."

"Cover me --- I'm changing lanes."

"It's lonely at the top --- But you eat better."

"Warning --- Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."

"Time is the best teacher --- Unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"Make it idiot proof --- And someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last --- Thinks slowest."

"We are Microsoft --- Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."

"Always remember you're unique --- Just like everyone else."

"Friends help you move --- Real friends help you move bodies."

"Diplomacy --- The art of saying 'Nice doggie!' until you can find a rock."

"As long as there are tests --- There will be prayer in public schools."

"Procrastination --- I'll deal with it sooner or later."

"I.R.S. --- We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals --- Why are they made of meat?"

"Out of my mind --- Back in five minutes."

"Laugh alone --- And the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Sometimes I wake up grumpy --- Other times I let her sleep."

"Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."

"Death to all fanatics!"

"Jesus is coming --- Everyone look busy."

"Bartender --- A pharmacist with a limited inventory."

"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."

"It's as bad as you think --- and they are out to get you."

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt --- In case heaven is like the IRS."

"When there's a will --- I want to be in it!"

"Okay --- Who stopped payment on my reality check?"

"Give me ambiguity --- Or give me something else."

"Puritanism --- The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy."

"Consciousness --- That annoying time between naps."

"Be nice to your kids --- They'll choose your nursing home."

"3 kinds of people --- Those who can count and those who can't."

On the back of a loaded horse trailer: "Don't be what you see!"

"I don't suffer from insanity --- I enjoy every minute of it."

"Few women admit their age --- Few men act theirs."

"I used to have a handle on life --- Then it broke."

"Stop reading this --- Watch where you're driving!"

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